MooMoo Plumber Boy
by AngelLuck
Summary: *Chapt. 9 is up! part you've been waiting for!**Voldemort doesn't like being evil so he signs off and becomes a Muggle plumber! He visits strange people's houses including the Dursley's- and gives Harry a boo-boo kiss! YES! please r/r
1. The Evil Evil Contract

A/N: All right! Let's make this real quick and then you can move on to reading the story. I warn you that this story is completely stupid and in many people's case, extremely funny. I did not spend hours trying to make this story perfect because it was one of those deals where it pops into your head and won't come out. I hope you enjoy this story and please review when you're done! Thanks!  
  
  
  
He lay there, sucking his thumb, holding Mr. Moo- Moo (his precious stuffed animal cow). Tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Being evil was too evil. and so evil! How he hated being undercover, hiding from everyone. No one liked him. not even his servants- he could tell. They were scared of him. but why? Voldemort never did any harm. on purpose. He just couldn't control his wand, that's all. But nooo, who would ever believe him if he said that to the good citizens? They would laugh at him! And he hated being laughed at, it hurt his feelings very deeply. So he kept it to himself. he kept everything to himself. But somehow somebody always found out and went and told the whole world! How utterly rude!!!  
  
He knew what he really wanted to be. A plumber- it had always been his dream. But he wasn't a Muggle. so he couldn't play around in the water. He had to go to a magical school and be around magical people and not plumbers! It always broke his heart thinking about what he could have become.  
  
Suddenly, an idea popped into Voldemort's mind. He could quit being evil and become a plumber! With a new name. new identity. Why didn't he think of this before? Of course. he never had his Mr. Moo- Moo there to share his feelings. The next morning. he would go to the Evil Corporation. sign his name off and leave the magical world behind. in the past to forget and never forgive!!! How happyfull it seemed.  
  
  
  
He opened the doors leading into the building. Inside, there were counters on two sides. The place was full of horrible looking creatures and Voldemort didn't know how to describe. I'm leaving this place in minutes. you can live a few more minutes! To tell the truth. he looked like he would only last a few more minutes because of his face and wrinkles. and that stuff.  
  
He walked up to one of the counters, everyone bowing before him. Lockheart was there. He looked extremely scared and jumpy.  
  
"You used to work at Hogwarts one year. the year I got drunk on margaritas. do you know how many I drank. I never could count," Voldemort said to Lockheart. "EEEEKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!! BIG, SCARY, HE- WHO- MUST- NOT- BE- NAMED!!!! EKKKKKK!!!!" Lockheart screamed as his reply, running in the other direction and ran into the wall, being knocked out.  
  
Voldemort leaned over, looking down at the knocked out man. "Oh my lucky stars!" he said, feeling terribly bad that he frightened someone- again.  
  
An old. very ugly witch (very UGLY) came over to replace Lockheart, still lying on the floor. "Sorry 'bout him. he's new. Says he ain't able to get any other job. Scares him half to death, this place does." She then realized who he was and went into a panic. "You ain't no person- you are Lord Voldemort! It's an honor to have you here, Mr. Voldemort." She didn't even know his last name! Even though he didn't have one, she didn't know!  
  
"I would like to log off on the evil being contract," he replied.  
  
"Log off? You saying off, off?"  
  
"I think so." This witch started to scare him. Too many questions. so confusing!  
  
"Okkkkay. please fill this out." She handed Voldemort papers and a quill.  
  
Time went by slowly as he filled it out. Questions he didn't know kept coming up and he would have to make up the answer. Finally, when he finished, he handed the papers and quill to her. The witch took them and started looking over the answers and checking another piece of paper, writing down on something else often.  
  
Voldemort never found out what she was doing, except the part where she stamped the papers and handed them to him. "We'll all miss you much," she said sadly. He couldn't believe his ears- he was free! Free of evil- free of magic!!! Not even taking the papers she gave to him, he danced out of the building, singing happily as he went along.  
  
  
  
"FREEDOM AS A PLUMBER!!!"  
  
he bellowed.  
  
  
  
A/N: Hi again everybody! I just wanted to say that I need to thank someone. AngelBlack (check out her stories!) helped me on ideas for this story and if it weren't for her it wouldn't be funny. only stupid. So thank you, AngelBlack!!! 


	2. Water, Water Everywhere!

A/N: Second chapter is already up! Didn't know I'd get to it nearly that fast. Anyway, this chapter is done by my lonely self because my wonderful assistant (AngelBlack) couldn't make it. she had dinner plans over at freaky people's house. Poor AngelBlack. everybody must feel sorry for her. Okay! Now that we are done pitting for my dear friend, let's move on to chapter two!  
  
  
  
  
  
Voldemort had traveled almost all night deep into the Muggle world. He started looking for the place that would give him his new identity. Finally, at daybreak he found the building and jumping up and down, he ran to the doors, and pulled. And pulled. He started getting upset and pushed and pulled and hit the door and everything, but it wouldn't budge. The few people out so early in the morning starred at him, thinking he was trying to break in or something. He stopped, breathing hard, looking around for some key or something. Then he saw the sign that said it was closed until 9:00am. He looked at a clock nearby. 7:03am.  
  
"Noooo!!!!" he whined. "I don't want to be Voldemort for another 5 hours!" Voldemort never had taken math lessons. he only knew how to read. a little. He looked around at the different shops nearby and saw a little coffee shop. Voldemort's stomach growled in hunger and he did have five dollars in Muggle money. He walked down and opened the door. About twenty minutes later he came out with a cup of coffee and a fresh baked blueberry muffin.  
  
He glanced at the clock again. 7:25am. Something needed to pass the time. he searched around. A bookshop! He could read all about plumbers and their fantastic lives!  
  
Eating his way along, Voldemort slowly started to see more people on the streets. Shop owners opening their shops.  
  
Once he reached the bookstore he peeked inside the window. Wow! There were books inside! He opened the door and walked up to the counter where a small, bald man helped him.  
  
"Hello, sir," he said, with an awkward smile on his face. Snake-like- looking faces must not have been an average thing.  
  
"Good morning. I would like to know if you have any books on plumbing?" Voldemort answered brightly. The shop must have some- they had so many books!  
  
"Plumbing? Fiction or non fiction?"  
  
"Anything. As long as it has to do with plumbing."  
  
The little man raised an eyebrow and started typing on his computer, searching for one. "You are in luck. There is one book called Water, Water Everywhere. It is located over there." He pointed to the area with children's toys and colorful walls.  
  
"Thank you!" Voldemort trotted over there and started searching in the Y section.  
  
After going through the whole alphabet and finally reached W, he pulled out the book, Water, Water, Everywhere! And sat down in one of the little couches and started to read. What a wonderful Muggle book it was! It was about a little boy, who liked to go swimming, but one day when he was in the bathtub, the water stopped working. No body could fix the tub, but the little boy reached his small hand in the pipe and switched something and it started running again! He saved the day!  
  
Once he finished, Voldemort looked at the store's clock and realized it was 8:49am! It was time to go become. somebody else! He couldn't leave his book behind, Water, Water, Everywhere! And him had bonded while reading. So, with the little money he had left over from breakfast, Voldie bought the book and rushed to the large building where his future awaited! 


	3. The Name Game

A/N: I figured I should write the third chapter because I will be so busy tomorrow (9/8 will be tomorrow) and then I will be gone all week! (9/9 to 9/13). So this could be my last chapter for about a week. Maybe I'll find time to write a short chapter about Voldemort getting his house before I leave. Keep on reviewing!  
  
  
  
Voldemort only had to wait a few minutes until the doors to the building opened. Of course, as soon as they were, he dashed inside and went up to the nearest counter where a young lady was setting up. He smiled. It was time! It was time, time, time!  
  
"May I help you?" she asked once she had finished putting her things in order.  
  
"I need a new name."  
  
"A new identity?" she corrected.  
  
"Umm, yes," Voldemort replied.  
  
"All right. Your current name?"  
  
Voldemort didn't have his name signed up in the Muggle world. "I- I don't have one. You see I come from this place."  
  
"What place, sir?" she asked, confused.  
  
"A place. A place with pretty china," he answered, making it up as he went along.  
  
The woman started to laugh a little. "You come from China, perhaps?"  
  
"Didn't I say that?"  
  
She didn't answer his question. "And what was your name in China?"  
  
"Umm. Lee," he thought of quickly.  
  
"Lee what?"  
  
"Lee."  
  
"Lee what?"  
  
"Lee!"  
  
"Sir, I understand your first name is Lee. What is your last name?"  
  
"Lee."  
  
"Tell me or I will not be able to help you, Mr. Lee!" She was getting upset. he could see it in her eyes.  
  
"Lee! It's Lee!"  
  
"Lee Lee?"  
  
"Uhh. yeah!"  
  
"Interesting." She typed it onto the computer. "There is no Lee Lee on this computer."  
  
"Well what about on that computer?" Voldmort nodded toward the computer across the room.  
  
"Never mind! What do you want your new name to be? First and last."  
  
"Michael Jackson."  
  
"Taken."  
  
"Elvis Presley."  
  
"Taken."  
  
"The Beetles?"  
  
"You are an old man, you should know that you can name yourself that."  
  
"M&M?"  
  
"Have you actually heard his songs?" she asked in amazement.  
  
"No," replied Voldemort truthfully.  
  
"Oh, you stink."  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing. Your name is.?"  
  
"Oh, I know!"  
  
"Good for you- what is it?"  
  
"Britney Spears!"  
  
The young woman almost slapped herself. "I need something that is not someone famous!"  
  
"Josh Hartnett?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Umm." He reached inside his bag and started feeling around. "Paper Shirt. Pen Pants. Underwear PJs!"  
  
"If you cannot think of a name then please leave. Next-!"  
  
Voldemort felt Mr. Moo-Moo. "MURFY MOO-MOO!"  
  
The lady looked at him and sighed, typing in the name onto the computer. "Well Mr. Lee, it seems that you are now Mr. Moo-Moo."  
  
"Yay!!!" Voldemort shouted happily. He was named after his best friend- Mr. Moo-Moo. how touching it seemed. 


	4. Robbing Da Money Oops!

A/N: Okay, now we move on to getting money! In the last chapter (The Name Game) we did not finish getting all Voldemort's (now Murfy Moo-Moo) new information- that's what you think! They actually did finish it all. . . but I was so lazy and didn't write the rest because the naming was the important part. Back to this chapter. . . Hope you enjoy- wait! How could I have forgotten? Thank you so much for the great reviews! Hope you really like the rest of the story- the best part is slowly coming closer. . . Hehe!!! I'm hyper! Read the story now!  
  
  
  
  
  
Voldemort now had no money with him and was a homeless person. He needed money. . . but all he had was just a little wizard money and that was no use to him now (yay!). Where was money? Oh yes, the bank! He was becoming smarter by the minute with this new name! His wand . . . he still had it with him. The two together . . . bank + wand = ???? It equaled. a house? Car? A new dress for Mr. Moo-Moo? What about money? Yes! He could get money if he just borrowed some from the bank! They wouldn't mind, he would return it all sooner or later.  
  
He started strolling the streets, humming (completely out of tone) as he went along. Possibly a mile from the Name Building, the was a bank called. . . The Bank. Wow! Such a wonderful name- so thought out! Voldemort thought.  
  
He pulled out his wand and said a few charms, making him invisible. No one one the streets noticed. . . no one would have noticed either because Muggles don't have sharp eyes (it's true for all you Muggles out there).  
  
He said the Summoning Spell and concentrated on money- lots of it. Next thing he knew, bags of the green stuff came to him, making it look quite strange. Bags full of money don't go flying in mid air and suddenly go still, still in the air. Of course, people noticed this and came over. . . including the police.  
  
"What in Lord's name is going on here?" one of the police men asked, very confused (like everyone else).  
  
Voldemort reversed the spell, making him visable. Everyone gasped. "Did someone ask me something?" The name Murfy Moo-Moo still hadn't clicked into his mind yet.  
  
"You did this? You robbed the bank?"  
  
"Of course not. . . wait. What's robbed mean?" Voldemort asked, suddenly confused.  
  
"You Son Of A-!" The police yelled. Unforcinity, Voldemort knew the cuss words. They struck him hard, making him start to cry. "Get him!"  
  
The other police men started running after Voldemort as the poor guy paniced. Not knowing what else to do, he cast himself invisible once again, running away.  
  
Now, the sight of 3 bags of money and another bag in the air at fast speed looked ackward. He stopped and put the charm on the items as well and started running again, leaving no trace of where he had been.  
  
The police stopped, and looked around, not able to find where he got to. They had to quit, but the search for Murfy Moo-Moo continued.  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: That there was bad writing ^^. Oh well, it will just be one of many chapters. 


	5. Bus Driver TiskTisk!

A/N- EKK!!! I totally forgot about this story!! How could I?!? READ THIS IF YOU WANT THE STORY TO MAKE ANY SENSE!!!! I skipped the part when Voldemort was in plumbing training. Why? 1.) I know nothing about plumbing, so I couldn't write about that. 2.) I was told that it can take a year to be in training and I don't have that long to write about, so this is about. one or two years later. 3.) It seems so boring and I don't want to write about something boring. He now has a house too, that money from the bank really helped. . . Anyway, here is the RIGHT chapter five!  
  
Voldemort was watching TV on a Saturday morning. It was around 7:30 and he was watching his favorite TV show- SpongeBob SquarePants! It was the episode F.U.N. and he loved to sing along.  
  
"F is for friend who do stuff together, U is for you and me. . .! N is anywhere, at any time at all, down here in the deep blue seaaa!!!" He was standing on the couch, jumping around. "F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for your anus. bombs. N is for no survivors when you. . .!"  
  
The phone started to ring. Voldemort groaned and turned off the TV, jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen, picking up the phone as the answering machine started to record. "Hello, Murfy Moo-Moo speaking."  
  
"Murfy, I'm glad I could reach you. Some old lady is in desperate need of someone to fix her kitchen sink. How did she put it? Oh yes. 'Fix my baby!' and would not stop until I agreed to have someone come over this morning. Could you-" Bill Peterson explained quickly, but interrupted.  
  
"Fix her baby? I'd love to!" Voldemort was so excited- this would be his first plumbing in action!  
  
"Calm down Murfy. . ." Mr. Peterson told him all the information he would need.  
  
"Righty-tighty! Mr. Moo-Moo to the rescue!" He slammed down the phone and ran around the kitchen, leaping for joy. He didn't stop until he hit his hip on the table, which turned the "whoopee's!" into "owies!"  
  
  
  
He got on the bus that would send him close enough to Mrs. Kend's house to walk. He hadn't quite gotten his driver's license yet. . . technically difficulties, let's leave it at that.  
  
He sat right behind the bus driver. Voldemort always did.  
  
"Hi! I'm Murfy Moo-Moo. Pleased to meet you." He extended his hand, smiling. The driver didn't shake his hand. . . didn't reply. Voldemort tried another approach. "I like buses. They take you places. I like places."  
  
"Good for you," the bus driver replied coldly.  
  
Voldemort didn't take this sarcastically. "Yeppers. Good for me. And good for you!" He poked his shoulder.  
  
"Stop," snapped the driver, getting annoyed.  
  
"I like your outfit. Did you get that at Sears?"  
  
No reply.  
  
"Remember. . . Sears, where else?" quoted Voldemort, still smiling.  
  
No reply.  
  
He started poking again out of boredom. The bus driver stopped suddenly and turned around, his face burning with anger. "YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU'RE FIFTY YEARS OLD! YOU'RE A FREAK!!!!!!" he screamed. Everyone on the bus looked at them.  
  
"Actually, I'm fifty three and four months," Voldemort corrected calmly.  
  
Furious, the bus driver pointed at him. "OUT OF MY BUS!!!!" He pushed Voldemort out, gave him a kick in the butt and closed the door, driving away. Voldemort watching the disappearing bus.  
  
"People these days. . ." He sighed and started walking to the next bus stop, which happened to be the one he was supposed to be dropped off at. 


	6. Fix My Baby!

(A/N: I just read gryffcat's fanfiction. . . one of them at least. It's a good story! Also, AngelBlack (hehe, welcome back! Haven't heard about you in a long time. . . the readers probably thought you were dead!) has a Sirius and. . . how do you spell her name! It's driving me crazy!!! Narcissa story. I'm too lazy to go looking for the correct spelling in the 4th book. Besides, I got my kitty in my lap. I want a dog, but my parents won't let me get one. Okay! I am getting way off subject! To the story!)  
  
  
  
From confusion (confuzzled! hehe, inside joke) of which bus stop was which, Voldemort ended up taking another bus all the way around and back to where he had started, not realizing he was at the right bus stop from the beginning. Good thing he was two hours early when he started!  
  
He walked up her street and stopped at 7790 Quint ST with the pink mailbox. That's how he knew it was her house. . . the pink mailbox.  
  
He rang the doorbell -five times- and shortly after a little girl opened it, starring up at him with big blue eyes. She looked about four or five and had a cute dress on, with a flower hat.  
  
Voldemort bent down to her eye level and smiled. "Hello. . . is your grandma home?"  
  
She continued to stare at him, giving him no reply.  
  
"You see, I'm a plumber man. I'm here to fix her sink. Can I talk to her?" he said in a speaking-to-a-kid-who-needs-mental-help voice.  
  
No answer. She didn't budge.  
  
". . .Please?" He looked desperate. He gave her the puppy-dog look. She didn't move.  
  
He took a step closer and suddenly the little girl flung her leg high and kicked him where it hurts really badly for the boys. She ran into the house and slammed the door. Voldemort's head got hit- hard.  
  
He bent low, gasping from the blow-out, unable to howl, which was a very good thing, otherwise he would have drooled out all of Europe.  
  
The door opened again and instead of the swing-kickin' kid there stood an old woman. She looked pale from stress and worry and when she saw that Voldemort was the plumber, she sighed in relief.  
  
"Thank goodness you have arrived! My baby! Fix my baby!" She grabbed hold of his arm and dragged him into the kitchen, shoving him in front of the sink. She crossed her arms as she waited for him to get to work. When he did nothing, she pointed at the sink. "My baby!"  
  
"Oh!" Voldemort looked surprised and observed it "Well nothing looks wrong. . ."  
  
The old lady groaned in frustration. "Make it pee!"  
  
He gave her a blank look. "Pardon?"  
  
"You heard me! Make my baby pee!" She acted as if everyone knew how to do this to a sink.  
  
"Miss. . . that is not possible-"  
  
"Don't you know anything?" She pushed past him and turned on the water- but there was no water coming out.  
  
"I see the problem now!" observed Voldemort.  
  
"Finally!" snapped Miss. Emelds. "Now fix my baby! Fix her bladder system!"  
  
"Bladder system?"  
  
"Make her able to pee again!"  
  
"Oh! Righty tighty, Miss!"  
  
  
  
Five hours later (it takes poor voldie a little longer. . . he's new at the job, you know) he stood up and smiled, admiring his work. He turned the water on and-  
  
"You can go pee-pee!" shrieked a joyful voice from behind. Voldemort jumped at the sudden noise and turned around, seeing Miss Emelds clapping her hands in happiness. "You're a big girl again!"  
  
Voldemort looked in his bag of tools and other equipment to get Mr. Moo-Moo out and see the successful work he had completed. But when he felt around for his stuffed animal cow. . .  
  
Mr. Moo-Moo was not there. 


	7. Mr MooMoo's Fate

(A/N: This is a few replies to my last reviews. . . first of all, I did mean to make you anus bombs because Voldemort has mental problems lol. And that brings me to another subject. . . I know this could NEVER happen in HP real life, it's just some fun playing around making the serious characters stupid. So I'm sorry if I insult the real Voldemort in this making of my fic. *gasp, realizing* He'll come after me! *hides under bed*)  
  
  
  
Voldemort looked around the kitchen in search of Mr. Moo-Moo. Where was he? Tears swelled up in his eyes. "Mr. Moo-Moo! Where are you!?" Suddenly he stopped his crying. A voice. . . a little girl's voice.  
  
"Would you like some more tea, Mrs. Daisy?"  
  
Pause.  
  
"Alright. . . I'll be right back. Don't move, okay?"  
  
Footsteps.  
  
"Grandma!" she screamed. Miss Emelds came running as fast as she could, which was not very fast, toward her granddaughter. "I need more tea for my new guest."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course. Come along, dear." She took the little girl's hand and walked into the kitchen. "What's your new guest's name?"  
  
"Mrs. Daisy," she said, smiling up at her elder.  
  
"How nice. Is it a new teddy bear Mommy gave you?" the old woman asked, pouring cold tea into the plastic teacup.  
  
"Nope. I found her- right there!" She pointed near Voldemort. "In that bag. There was very sharp things in there, she was gonna get poked."  
  
Voldemort gasped. She had Mr. Moo-Moo!  
  
The little girl dropped the teacup on accident. She screamed and started to cry. As Miss Emelds comforted her, Voldemort snuck upstairs to rescue his cow.  
  
There were three doors. One door had flowers and pink ribbons painted onto it, the others were plain wooden. He went into the colorful room and saw before him a world of pink.  
  
His eyes! Too much light! The pink, the pink! He staggered over to the table, surrounded by dolls. He looked and saw-  
  
"Mr. Moo-Moo!!!" He could hardly recognize him. He had a pink dress on and a flower hat on.  
  
He started taking the clothes off him, mumbling to himself about how Mr. Moo-Moo was a boy and wasn't supposed to wear girl clothes especially tea party clothes.  
  
Just as he was leaving the room, the little girl came in. She starred at him and then Mr. Moo-Moo.  
  
"Miss Daisy! Give me back Miss Daisy!' she cried out, making her way over to the two. "Or you will suffer what will happen to you!  
  
"Mr. Moo-Moo doesn't like tea!" Voldemort responded, holding his cow tightly. "He doesn't like daisies either- they make him sneeze!"  
  
The little girl kicked Voldemort's shins, screaming at him at the top of her lungs. "Give me back Miss Daisy!"  
  
"Never!" The pain. . . he wanted to scream himself, but the fate of his friend was at hand!  
  
She started up what seemed like a dance. A dance involving kicking the shins and as the final action she punched Voldemort where she had gotten her swing-kickin' kid name.  
  
He howled and just held Mr. Moo-Moo tighter. He had to think. . . get himself and the cow out of this mess. His wand. . . yes! He pulled out his wand -which he still used in emergencies- and pointed it at her. She stopped and starred at it, frightened and confused.  
  
"Avada. . .!" He trailed away. No, he shouldn't do that! It was still in him, the habit of killing! Choking up tears, he said another spell instead, giving her a few flowers- daisies. "There. Can I have him and you have Miss Daisy?" he pleaded.  
  
"How did you do that?" She looked amazed, yet still threw aside the flowers.  
  
"I'm a magic. . . person."  
  
Suddenly losing interest, she started up her dance again. Making it slowly to the window, the pain in his shins gaining every step, Voldemort flung Mr. Moo-Moo out the window. "Fly, Mr. Moo-Moo! Fly like a pig!"  
  
The little girl stopped and looked down, gasping. "Miss Daisy!"  
  
Voldemort, finally getting his chance, ran down the stairs and outside, grabbed Mr. Moo-Moo and sprinted to the bus stop, followed for some time by the little girl. When he finally boarded the bus, she was out of sight.  
  
Never again would Murfy Moo-Moo dare bring Mr. Moo-Moo along with him again. 


	8. What Now Billy?

(A/N: I'M GONNA BE SEEING HARRY POTTER TONIGHT! I heard it's scary. . . let's hope it's not as disappointing as the first)  
  
  
  
More than three weeks later, when Voldemort's bruised shins finally healed and he could use the bathroom without feeling the pain, he got a call.  
  
"Murfy? It's Bill speaking. Seems like you have another plumbing job," the voice on the end said quickly.  
  
"Oh. . . is it Miss Emelds again?" After Voldemort's past experience, he would do ANYTHING but go to her house again.  
  
Bill Peterson laughed. "No, no, not at all. His name is-"  
  
"Not her? YIPPEE!!!! So, when do I go over? Where do they live?" Voldemort danced around the room, skipping and singing.  
  
"Murfy! Tomorrow you shall go over and fix their toilet."  
  
"What's wrong with it?"  
  
"Every time someone flushes, it over flows," explained Bill. "Tomorrow at 10.00am. . ." He continued with the rest of the imforation, as Voldemort wrote it down.  
  
"Okie Dokie!"  
  
"You got all that?"  
  
"Yepper Depper."  
  
Bill was about to hang up, when he realized he forgot something. "Oh, and their names are-"  
  
"Oh yeah. Billy Boy, what's their name?  
  
Bill grinded his teeth, about ready to explode. "Their name is Dursley. Vernon Dursley."  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N: this is probably the shortest chapter I've ever written. . . but it's time! **dances around** it's time, it's time! The time you've all been waiting for! I was afraid I would lose my readers if I didn't make it happen soon. IT'S TIME!) 


	9. Lemme Kiss It

(A/N: I'm scared I'm going to lose all my readers once the Harry thing is over!! **boowhoo!!**)  
  
  
  
Voldemort, not knowing the famous Harry Potter lived with the Dursley, went over at the time scheduled (took a taxi this time). He rang their doorbell and waited.  
  
The door opened and out came Mr. Dursley. He was rather larger, larger than Voldemort expected anyway.  
  
"You the plumber?" he grunted.  
  
"Yes sir E!"  
  
He allowed Voldemort inside and glared at him. Dudley was playing with his new airplane Aunt Marge gave him in the living room, when Mrs. Dursley was in the kitchen making tea.  
  
Dudley waddled up to Voldemort. "You look stupid."  
  
Voldemort knelt down and smiled at him. "Compared to who?" he asked innocently.  
  
Screams came from upstairs, making Voldemort jump. "What was that? Do you have a ghoul up there?"  
  
The family gave nervous looks at one another and smiled weakly. "That just. . . our new dog."  
  
"Oh! That dog seems kinda weird, doesn't he?"  
  
"He's having. . . emotional problems. . . it's been happening often lately." Mr. Dursley made his way up the stairs and a door opened, then slammed shut.  
  
Mrs. Dursley gave Voldemort another weak smile. "The toilet is upstairs. Follow me."  
  
Dudley gave him a last evil glare and left to get back to his plane.  
  
Voldemort followed her up the steps, the screams getting louder and more painful.  
  
Suddenly it all stopped and Mr. Dursley came out of the room. "Knocked himself out."  
  
With that, he went down the stairs- looking like he was in a hurry, but his overweight was slowing him.  
  
Mrs. Dursley gave him another weak smile and walked him into the bathroom.  
  
"Silly Dudley was. . ." She cleared her voice. ". . .oh it's no big deal. All young boys do things like that. Anyway, it can't be used without flooding and it's Dudley's bathroom so. . ." She cleared her voice again. ". . .you know what I mean. He must go when he must go and isn't able to go when he must." She blushed slightly, but it soon faded away.  
  
"Of course, of course. I'll fight it til it gives up- to the end!"  
  
Mrs. Dursley gave him an awkward look and, not daring to know what he would do, she left the bathroom.  
  
~ * A FEW HOURS LATER * ~  
  
A few hours later, Voldemort was walking down the hall to tell them that it was working when he found someone holding his head with one hand and opening the door with the other.  
  
"Hey sonny, need some help there?" Voldemort offered, walking over to the boy.  
  
"AHHHHRRGGG!"  
  
"That's a funny response. Do you speak another language? Lemme guess, let me guess. . . um. . . AH ARG GR?"  
  
The boy collapsed to the ground in pain, clutching his head with both hands. "Near. . . he's. . . near!"  
  
"Who is?"  
  
"Vo- vold. . . voldemo- voldemort!"  
  
Voldmeort gasped. The boy- black hair looking like he had never brushed it -Voldomort seriously considered giving him a hairbrush during one of their. . . pleasant. . . visits- baggy clothes. . . it was Harry Potter **chorus from nowhere sings** No, Harry Potter, the guy he's trying to kill **thunder bolts and scary music starts**  
  
"Harry, old buddy! It's wonderful to see ya again!" Voldemort would have shaken hands with him, but his hands were busy. "Did you hurt yourself? You always are getting into trouble and hurting yourself. Here, lemme see it. . ." He pulled his hands away from his hand and looked at the flaming scar.  
  
"Tisk, tisk, Harry! This looks infected. How in the world could you have gotten such a thing?"  
  
"It's alright, Harry. Yes, yes I'm sure it hurts. Now hold still- OW!" Harry had slapped him. But Voldemort found a way to get back to him. He hugged Harry.  
  
"Aww. . . does it still hurt?"  
  
He dodged another slap. "Lemme kiss your boo-boo. . ." He bent down and kissed Harry's scar. A few seconds later, he fainted.  
  
"Must have been so overwhelmed with happiness!"  
  
  
  
(a/n: I know that if I spent a few hours of thinking I could have come up with a better Harry day, but that's not the last of him- no sir E!) 


End file.
